I wanted to give you a quick update as so many have asked how I am doing…
I had the best surgery team taking care of me. They did everything they could to try and calm my fears. I even had someone rubbing my feet while I was in the OR and reassuring me they would take good care of me!! I had so many emotions that morning, but I constantly kept laying my fears and anxiety at the feet of Jesus. His peace covered my heart and I never doubted His presence as I went through the day.
My surgery went well, and I was able to go home Wednesday evening after surgery. The surgeon took out 5 of my lymph nodes and had them tested during surgery. All 5 of them came back negative, so she didn’t have to take out anymore!!!! All praise be to God for a clear report! They have sent my breast tissue and skin off to pathology. I will get the results of that report next Friday at my doctor’s appointment. So, please pray along with me that I will get a clean report. I’m praying the chemo did exactly what it was supposed to do.
I am at home now for the next 4-6 weeks so that I can heal. The next step will be radiation. I appreciate your prayers, texts, phone calls, cards, etc over the past few days. I have an AMAZING support system and I appreciate each of you!!!
So it’s done…all done…that horrible chemo that I’ve been taking for the past several months…I finally finished it on September 8th!!!!!! I made it all the way through! There were so many days I didn’t think I would make it, especially those last couple of rounds. I was to the point that I didn’t want to do another round…it was tough…oh so tough!!
So….since I’ve been off chemo, I have been resting and trying to get my strength back for the next path of this journey…surgery. On Wednesday, October 5th, I will be having a double mastectomy since I have the BRCA2 gene. Today was my last day at work for the next 4-6 weeks as I will be out on medical leave. I am having a really hard time leaving my students. However, I am trying to remind myself that they will be well taken care of by the amazing teachers I work with. 😉
FEAR…it has been creeping into my thoughts a lot this past week. It’s fear of the unknown. I’ve never had surgery before except c-sections. This is different…body parts will be lost. I will be completely sedated for several hours and I don’t know how things will be when I wake up. This has kept me up at night. I have prayed…and cried…and prayed…and cried. I know that He will give me grace and strength to get through this next step. He reminds me that I am to cast ALL of my cares, burdens, worries on HIM because He cares about me. He cares….He cares that I am fearful…He cares that I am scared…He cares that I am anxious. I love that He cares and He will give me peace that will consume my heart and mind. This is my constant prayer…Jesus I lay this burden at your feet and in return, please flood my heart and mind with your peace.
I have several prayer requests:
Please pray for my mind to be stayed on Him and not my circumstances
Please pray for my children during this time that they will not become anxious or worry about me
Pray for wisdom and guidance for the surgeon
Pray for a quick recovery and that there would not be any complications
I love Isaiah 41:10 so much and God has used it a lot in my life. It reminds me that God watches over me and is taking care of me. I just need to T R U S T…He is with me…He will strengthen me…He will uphold me…He is MY GOD!!
Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
It becomes a continuous giving of my deepest fears to Him and in exchange knowing that HE IS ABLE to carry that burden for me and give me the strength I need because He is for ME!!! I love this song that reminds me that He is able and all things can be overcome in His name…even all of my fears!!
Yes, I am waaaaayyy behind in an update. So here it goes…
Rounds 3 and 4 went as expected. I felt yucky and tired for a week and then I began feeling better the following week. I am now officially finished with Adriamycin and Cytoxan…woohoo!!!
I had somewhat of a struggle prior to starting round 5. I was a bit anxious and overwhelmed with thinking about starting a new chemo. It was also my halfway mark and I knew I would be starting back to work soon. I just didn’t know how I was going to handle being a mom, working, and taking chemo. It all just sounded so overwhelming to me. You know, sometimes when you are holding in a lot of things and you have a good cry, it all seems to feel better afterwards. Well, that’s what I did….for a couple of days. During that time God reminded me that He would continue to be faithful, as He always has been. He reminded me that He is walking with me…some places along the way He is even picking me up and carrying me. He is not going to leave my side no matter how difficult I feel things might be. I struggle and I get consumed by my situation when my thoughts begin to focus on what is going on around me. Then He gently reminds me that “he who dwells in the shelter of the Most High, will rest in the shadow of the Almighty” (Psalm 91:1). That’s where I want to be…dwelling in His shelter so that I can rest. God speaks to me many times through music. I came across a song called “Diamonds” by Hawk Nelson.
When I heard it the first time I cried. It talks about how we have to surrender to what God is doing in our lives in order for Him to make beauty. I love these lyrics:
“He’s making diamonds, diamonds
Making diamonds out of dust
He is refining in his timing
He’s making diamonds out of us”
God showed me that in the midst of what I feel is a huge mess, He is making diamonds…something so beautiful and precious!!! It’s in our difficulties that God makes the most treasured things!!
Well, I began a new chemo drug, Taxol, with round 5. The doctor told me it would be much easier than the other 2 drugs I was taking. I was certainly looking forward to something easier, however, just like everything else with my treatment….I had to be the exception to the rule. It wasn’t easier for me, it was extremely difficult. The chemo made me very tired to the point all I wanted to do was sleep. I started back to work and had to go home a couple of days to take a nap because I was so exhausted and not feeling well. It also made my fingernails feel like they were going to come off. I had extreme pain in my body, especially in my legs. They stopped giving the Neulasta shot I was taking on Saturdays because the pain this chemo causes along with the pain from the Neulasta is too overwhelming on the body.
So last Sunday I wound up with a fever, which landed me in the ER. After doing bloodwork, I found out my white blood count was extremely low which was causing a Neutropenic fever. Therefore, that was my sure ticket to being admitted. I was in the hospital until Wednesday. My fever stayed around until Tuesday. They ran many tests and never truly found the source of the fever, so they just felt it was some sort of virus. I missed the first week of school and was extremely disappointed that I wasn’t there to meet my class or that I wasn’t able to see my own personal children off on their first day of school.
I was scheduled to get another dose of chemo (round 6) on Thursday, the following day from being released from the hospital. However, when they checked my bloodcounts, my white blood count was still low. So, I was not able to get chemo. When I discussed with my oncologist how difficult this new chemo had been for me, she decided to change my treatment plan. She feels as though my body just had a difficult time handling the dosage. I will now be receiving chemo every week, but at half a dose. So instead of 3 more doses I will have 6 and finish mid September.
I will be starting back to school this week. Please pray that I will stay healthy and that this new chemo dosage would be easier on my body.
I am trusting that His plan is much better than my plan…#hesmakingdiamonds
Well, this last round seemed to go much more smoothly than the first round…at least there were no ER visits! It has taken me awhile to get my energy and strength back up. I felt great for a few days after chemo and then it hit me on Sunday morning. I was so worn out and didn’t have much energy. It has taken me several days, but I am slowly getting back to myself. I am so grateful to have the summer so that I am able to give my body the rest it needs. I went in Saturday to get fluids and an injection. Each time I go in for chemo, I have to go back to Winship within 24-72 hours to get a Neulasta injection. This medication helps my bone marrow to make white blood cells. Since chemotherapy destroys cells, this injection helps to build back up my immune system. The first time I had this injection, it caused severe bone pain almost a week afterwards. I am hoping I don’t have to experience that again!
I continue to be surrounded by the most amazing friends! God has truly blessed me beyond measure with the people He has placed in my life. I could not walk this journey without, first of all, HIM and secondly YOU!! Thank you for lifting me up in prayer, for being my cheerleader and encouraging me to press on. Some days are easier for me than others. This past week one of my children came home, sat down beside me, grabbed my hand, and started stroking it. T h e n…the tears began to flow. It ripped my heart to pieces!!! As the tears rolled down our cheeks together, they spoke of the sadness, pain, and questions…lots of questions…I mean lots of questions. You know life just plain stinks sometimes. My babies are walking through this just as much as I am, and I can’t control it or protect them from it. Why do 4 little sweet souls have to walk down this path all over again? Why do they have to deal with this at such a young age…not once, but twice? Though there are so many questions that surface daily, I don’t doubt for one second that my Father is in control. I have no idea what His plan is, but I know that His word tells me His plans for me are good. I know that He promises He is with me and I’m not alone. I know that He is faithful and He is good.
So, I will hold onto His promises as I begin this day because today is the day…I have lost so much hair that I will be shaving my head. Please pray for me as I am so torn emotionally…part of me is not ready for this next step and the other part is ready to embrace it.
Satisfy me in the morning with your unfailing love Jesus that I may sing for joy and be glad all my days (Psalm 90:14) May Your love cause me to sing for joy and be glad today.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU…I have been so beyond blessed these past couple of weeks by the generosity and sacrifice of so many people. I have had people care for me, clean my house, cut my lawn, grocery shop, pray over me, wash and fold laundry, bring meals, take care of my children, and send sweet notes of encouragement. If you are one of those people, thank you so very much!! God has literally gone above and beyond and met every single need through all of you.
I had my first round of chemo on May 26, 2016. It was extremely rough as I had a terrible side effect from one of the medications. I was given Ativan for anxiety as one of the premeds before starting chemo, which caused for a bad day…a very, bad day. I had 2 chemo drugs, Adriamycin and Cytoxan. I will continue to have these 2 for the next 3 rounds and then I will switch to another chemo drug. I started not feeling very well when I finished chemo and by the time I got home, I was just out of it. Over the next several hours I went into a comatose state and had to be rushed to the ER at Emory via ambulance. It was discovered later that day that my body was not reacting very well to the Ativan. Needless to say, I will not be taking that again!! I have been feeling much better this week…just in time to start this all over again. Ha! I will go in on Thursday for Round 2…my chemo schedule is every two weeks.
Overall I have been doing well until this morning. My hair has begun shedding a bit and I don’t know that I am ready to face this next step. I was told I will lose my hair anywhere between days 15-20. Today is day 12. Everything is set and ready for me as far as my wig. However, I am just not ready to let go of that part of me. It was such an emotional struggle for me with Millie. Those same feelings began to surface this morning as I was pulling hair from my hairbrush and my head. Yes, I know it’s just hair and yes, I know it will grow back…but I’m going to be bald. My kids will have to see their mommy without hair and I don’t know how they will handle that emotionally…how will I handle that emotionally. I am trying to protect them from so many things. They are so tender and have already been through this once.
The one lesson I feel that God is trying to teach me so far is trust. When I put my focus on the situation, when I become fearful…then the problem has now consumed me and I no longer am keeping my thoughts on Him. It says to God that I doubt His promises in His word. What does that say about my heart when I pray or sing songs about how I trust Him? That’s a conflict. I can’t say or sing one thing and turn around the next minute and consume myself with all these fears. Some days are better than others and some days I am continually surrendering my fears and doubts to Him. He can be trusted and I know that to be true in my life. I so want to believe and not doubt. I am reminded daily that I am human and I desperately need Him every second of my day.
“Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
Thank you for praying for me!! I’m trusting and believing that God has an amazing plan in all of this.
