Well, this last round seemed to go much more smoothly than the first round…at least there were no ER visits! It has taken me awhile to get my energy and strength back up. I felt great for a few days after chemo and then it hit me on Sunday morning. I was so worn out and didn’t have much energy.  It has taken me several days, but I am slowly getting back to myself.  I am so grateful to have the summer so that I am able to give my body the rest it needs.  I went in Saturday to get fluids and an injection.  Each time I go in for chemo, I have to go back to Winship within 24-72 hours to get a Neulasta injection.  This medication helps my bone marrow to make white blood cells.  Since chemotherapy destroys cells, this injection helps to build back up my immune system.  The first time I had this injection, it caused severe bone pain almost a week afterwards.  I am hoping I don’t have to experience that again!

I continue to be surrounded by the most amazing friends!  God has truly blessed me beyond measure with the people He has placed in my life.  I could not walk this journey without, first of all, HIM and secondly YOU!!  Thank you for lifting me up in prayer, for being my cheerleader and encouraging me to press on.  Some days are easier for me than others.  This past week one of my children came home, sat down beside me, grabbed my hand, and started stroking it.  T h e n…the tears began to flow. It ripped my heart to pieces!!!  As the tears rolled down our cheeks together, they spoke of the sadness, pain, and questions…lots of questions…I mean lots of questions.  You know life just plain stinks sometimes.  My babies are walking through this just as much as I am, and I can’t control it or protect them from it.  Why do 4 little sweet souls have to walk down this path all over again?  Why do they have to deal with this at such a young age…not once, but twice?  Though there are so many questions that surface daily, I don’t doubt for one second that my Father is in control.  I have no idea what His plan is, but I know that His word tells me His plans for me are good.  I know that He promises He is with me and I’m not alone.  I know that He is faithful and He is good.

So, I will hold onto His promises as I begin this day because today is the day…I have lost so much hair that I will be shaving my head.  Please pray for me as I am so torn emotionally…part of me is not ready for this next step and the other part is ready to embrace it.

Satisfy me in the morning with your unfailing love Jesus that I may sing for joy and be glad all my days (Psalm 90:14)  May Your love cause me to sing for joy and be glad today.

xoxo ~ April

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU…I have been so beyond blessed these past couple of weeks by the generosity and sacrifice of so many people. I have had people care for me, clean my house, cut my lawn, grocery shop, pray over me, wash and fold laundry, bring meals, take care of my children, and send sweet notes of encouragement. If you are one of those people, thank you so very much!! God has literally gone above and beyond and met every single need through all of you.

I had my first round of chemo on May 26, 2016. It was extremely rough as I had a terrible side effect from one of the medications. I was given Ativan for anxiety as one of the premeds before starting chemo, which caused for a bad day…a very, bad day. I had 2 chemo drugs, Adriamycin and Cytoxan. I will continue to have these 2 for the next 3 rounds and then I will switch to another chemo drug. I started not feeling very well when I finished chemo and by the time I got home, I was just out of it. Over the next several hours I went into a comatose state and had to be rushed to the ER at Emory via ambulance. It was discovered later that day that my body was not reacting very well to the Ativan. Needless to say, I will not be taking that again!! I have been feeling much better this week…just in time to start this all over again. Ha! I will go in on Thursday for Round 2…my chemo schedule is every two weeks.

Overall I have been doing well until this morning. My hair has begun shedding a bit and I don’t know that I am ready to face this next step. I was told I will lose my hair anywhere between days 15-20. Today is day 12. Everything is set and ready for me as far as my wig. However, I am just not ready to let go of that part of me. It was such an emotional struggle for me with Millie. Those same feelings began to surface this morning as I was pulling hair from my hairbrush and my head. Yes, I know it’s just hair and yes, I know it will grow back…but I’m going to be bald. My kids will have to see their mommy without hair and I don’t know how they will handle that emotionally…how will I handle that emotionally. I am trying to protect them from so many things. They are so tender and have already been through this once.

The one lesson I feel that God is trying to teach me so far is trust. When I put my focus on the situation, when I become fearful…then the problem has now consumed me and I no longer am keeping my thoughts on Him.  It says to God that I doubt His promises in His word.  What does that say about my heart when I pray or sing songs about how I trust Him?  That’s a conflict.  I can’t say or sing one thing and turn around the next minute and consume myself with all these fears.  Some days are better than others and some days I am continually surrendering my fears and doubts to Him.  He can be trusted and I know that to be true in my life.  I so want to believe and not doubt.  I am reminded daily that I am human and I desperately need Him every second of my day.

“Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”  Isaiah 41:10

Thank you for praying for me!!  I’m trusting and believing that God has an amazing plan in all of this.

xoxo…April